PET RULES: To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door (nose height)
Dear Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your plate and food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not assume I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails and tongues straight out to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - pet attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animals butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
From Your Father
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1 comment:
As a fellow Servant-To-Felines, I might have to point out some exceptions to the 11 reasons...
1 - They Eat Less.. And then there's Merlin.
2 - They never ask for money.. I have it on good authority that pasty-pale-meow-meow-kitty required a 72inch plasma screen in return for our continued safety.
3 - Are easier to train. one must remember, cats are NOT trainee's.. We are...
4 - They come when called.. "Where's my Brain?"
5 - Driving.. Cats don't drive, they are chauf-fur-ed..
6 - hanging with users.. "Smoke a bowl, Ki-Ki-Dee?"
7 - smoke or drink.. see above, also, we can't be the only two humans with water-dish fountains....
8 - Latest fashions.. Hey everybody, check out Jane's nifty new harness!!
9 - Wear your clothes.. surely you've woken up with a cat hanging out in your underwear drawer.. They are not just sleeping in there..
10 - College.. OK, you got me there...
11 - Selling their children.. If you're lucky, or a breeder, otherwise we consider ourselves lucky if we can give the little fuzzballs away.....
--The Doodler
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